The Ballad of Tegan Jovanka
[unabridged version]
by Jenny Hayward
(To be sung to pass the time while stranded on Exilon or other similar tedious situations.) (To the tune of "The Wild Rover")
Reluctant companion, I didn't see why
When the Master appeared, my aunt had to die.
Logopolis crumbled, and Nyssa's home gone -
It's really a wonder I chose to stay on.
(Chorus)
No, no, never - never no more
I never shall play the companion no more.
Carrying Time Lords was not my idea
Of a promising start to a flying career.
How come Castrovalva, the spirit-refresher,
Behaved like a wood-cut by Earth's M.C. Escher?
CHORUS
Amazing it was when on ship I alight,
A native of Aussie should be on the flight;
And an old Abo language, spoke so long ago,
should happen to be just the one that I know.
CHORUS
Then on a strange planet I lay down to rest
Little knowing I'd be by the Mara possessed.
They fought him with mirrors - defeated him - sure;
But you couldn't be certain it was a full cure.
CHORUS
In month of September, in sixteen six six,
Some crashed Tereleptils were in a big fix.
Their final solution was ol' Genocide,
But in fire in London the aliens died.
CHORUS
Mistaken identity stalked us this time
In the Twenties, when Charleston was just in its prime.
Midst cricket and dancing and a Masquerade
The secret they'd hidden so long was betrayed.
CHORUS
The Cybermen triumphed, but also they lost;
In their spiral destruction who'd pay such a cost?
With you, and with Nyssa, I raged and I cried,
For I couldn't accept it when Adric had died.
CHORUS
We made it to Heathrow, we got there at last,
but the first flight we took went straight into the past!
We vanquished the Master, his plans undermined;
But why did the Doctor just leave me behind?
(Chorus)
No, no, never - never no more
I never shall play the companion no more.
But then on vacation I stumbled upon
the plot of a Time Lord who wished to live on;
His body was ravaged - was nothing but Mind -
but he planned in the Doctor new Substance to find.
CHORUS
Asleep in the Tardis, I woke up with screams;
It seemed that the Mara was haunting my dreams.
He fed on the fear focused through the Mind's Eye,
And only the Doctor this fear could deny.
CHORUS
Suspicious of Turlough I was at first sight,
but it took three adventures to prove I was right.
The Mawdryn were undead, and then Nyssa went,
but finally Turlough won Enlightenment.
CHORUS
We visited England back in twelve-fifteen,
But King John was just where he shouldn't have been!
'Twas all an illusion - Kamelion's face
was the reason why everything seemed out of place.
CHORUS
At the Eye of Orion, our stay couldn't last
For someone was stealing the Doctor's own past.
His old incarnations to Gallifrey snatched,
But Borusa discovered he was overmatched.
CHORUS
Then on to my future, twenty-eighty-four,
When the powers of my planet were nearly at war.
For the ancient Silurians, the humans must fall
In death and destruction, no winners at all.
(Chorus)
So it's no, no, never - never no more;
I never shall play the companion no more.
To visit my uncle, to England we went
But when we arrived there, it seemed time was bent
Awakening echoes of scenes from the past -
A case for a Time Lord to do something fast!
CHORUS
A future so distant the Earth had long gone
A colony struggled so hard to live on.
The earth ever hungered - how long could they last?
Poor Turlough found nightmare from his people's past!
CHORUS
The humans and Daleks were fully engaged
No scruples were used in the war that they waged.
The carnage in excess - too much to bereave -
With so much destruction, I wanted to leave.
(Chorus)
So it's no, no, never - never no more;
I never shall play the companion no more.